Today, while I should have been working on my WIP (which I did! I swear I did! I wrote a few pages, *shrugs*), I actually got struck by a different muse. One who I haven’t had a visit with since high school actually. Strange. Here is a product of that madness:
It doesn’t make sense.
Every smart woman
Would know I made the right choice in letting you go,
In walking away
To find someone who wanted me
With the same desperation that I wanted you
I try to push it away but it lingers.
Stupid woman that I am
Led by emotions I despise.
I guess I’m still holding on to something that never existed
Wishing against the wrong star that heaven had listened
To the quiet sobs of a broken, empty heart.
Place the scarlet A across my soul.
I’m tainted, baby
You didn’t buy me whole.
So much of me was missing
The part I left behind with him
If I feel distant while we’re kissing
It’s because I hate myself for loving him.
You deserve so much better than me
Half hearted love
How could I ever give back what you’ve given me?
You should be the object of someone’s adoration,
Someone beautiful and smart.
As much your equal as your complement
With enough fiery passion
To make you the center of her universe.
That’s not me
Though I wish so badly that it was
It can’t be me, baby
I’m an empty shell of who I was
I want the safety and the happiness you promise
With each look in my eyes
But I don’t deserve a man who has to compromise
You think I can make you happy
Maybe I can
But can you live in the shadow of another man?
You shouldn’t have to,
You’re a better man than he ever was
Don’t try and compete, baby
I’m just a lost cause.
Haunted by a memory
That never really happened.
The past is twisted, thwarted into a vision of what I wanted it to be.
Don’t mourn the loss, baby,
You never really wanted me
At least not the woman that I am now
The one I was before,
The one with dreams and aspirations
With a smile meant to shatter the strongest of men
That woman died, baby
Burned straight through the skin
By the heated touch of a boy,
Not yet a man
Full of empty promises
And mixed signs
To a girl those promises are heaven, baby
Those signs mean everything
She wants them to.
Took me straight to Wonderland.
My Mad Hatter drugged my tea
I couldn’t see, baby
Couldn’t see past the sea of ocean blue
His eyes, his hands
The warmth his body could exude
I love you
And yet I know I don’t love you like I should.
I’m still in Wonderland, baby,
Trapped inside my head.
I hate myself for loving him
When I should love you more instead.
I should learn to play an instrument so I can write my own music. I have like 3 songs I’ve ever written. I’d love to sing my own stuff. Too bad I’m like absolutely awful with stuff like instruments. Takes me FOREVER to learn.
Anyway, that’s one of two poems I wrote today. Two, for the first time in over 5 years. Strange.